I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
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With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Wake me when AI does housework
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
How and why my FUR ROOM exists