Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
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old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”