First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
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I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Pat is about to own someone
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.