MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
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Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
podcasts
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
lol
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Mornin. * use accordingly