How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
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I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.