“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
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Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
I’m sorry…what?
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.