I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
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My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist