Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
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Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
So, can we agree on 4 or
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.