[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
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Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.