seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
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my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*