her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
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“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
dads on road-trips be like
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.