Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
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“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
*pronounces woah like Noah*
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?