me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
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News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
j o i m p
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
can I use a minion as a tampon
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*