A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
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I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
This might be me.
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I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs