Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
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I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses