🤣😂🤣
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the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Can. I. Help. You.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.