I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
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i like to flex on them by shrugging
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.