MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
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WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.