My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
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The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
my name if I was in the mob
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
We’re all getting idioter.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates