“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
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Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why