god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
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[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Blew out my flip flop…
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first