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“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Secret Panel HERE 🤘