Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
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“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Weirdly Wednesday.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.