As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
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Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]