i prefer mine room temperature.
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Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Not helping
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me