Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
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Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
I created you as mosquito food.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”