The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
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Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
This checks out
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
I love twitter
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
black phone good
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”