A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
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ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.