My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
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“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.