A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
You Might Also Like
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …