Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
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It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.