Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
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I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage