Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
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My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂