<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
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I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.