Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
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[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”