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Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.