One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
You Might Also Like
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
I’ve had relationships like this
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back