Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
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Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Who does Amazon think I am?
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
British people be like I’m Bri ish