If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
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“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”