But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
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Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.