making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
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Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.