Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
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3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep