My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
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My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Childbirth is so beautiful
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Holy crap this is wonderful
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.