It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
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Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗