[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
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*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
A ghost story
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that