i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
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I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
only 11 steps left
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.