I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
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THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
waiting for halloween be like:
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.