*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
You Might Also Like
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”