[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
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daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
same vibe as tangled headphones
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.