If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
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My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?